Behind closed doors


People often praises me for appearing so positive about my daughter’s condition.

To these people, I’d like to say:

> Every Human Being who faces hardship in life will automatically try to handle the situation to the best of their capability. This is Human nature, isn’t it?

> Having a child with Special needs didn’t transform me into a Super mum or a Super Hero. Far from that… Most of the time, I am feeling weak and vulnerable.

> I have not accepted Autism but I acknowledged its presence and its impact in our lives.

> Some days, I am “tolerant” and some days, I lack patience (my number one weakness!). On these misty days, I feel like a complete failure. I am the spoilt child in front of my daughter who is demonstrating so much altruism and compassion.( Altruism and compassion, features you “presumably” hardly find in people with Autism…)

> I am the mother, I am the Neurotypical but at the end of the day, I am learning a big deal of wisdom from this child.

How does it feel like having a child with autism?

Some days I am fine, some days, I am not. Some days, there are ups and some days, there are downs. Some days, my daughter surprises me with new abilities. Some days, I am upset and tired. Some days, my daughter wets herself. Some days, I feel helpless.

Some days, I am dreaming of having a conversation with my daughter.                                                                                                                                                                               SubhanAllah,having a proper conversation: that will be so great ! This means more than a mine of gold to me. Parents of verbal children don’t realise the chance that they’ve got and how I envy them. Alhamdulillah, my daughter starts talking recently, verbs, words and  some incomplete sentences. It makes such a  huge difference! It has strengthened our relationship, bonded us more.  I am getting to know my daughter’s from the inside. MashAllah, she has a great sense of humour and self derision. Last time, she told me that her skin colour was blue and that she was a boy.

Dear brothers and sisters, the reason I called my blog Autism taught me sabr is because by nature, I am a very impatient person If there were Olympic Games around that theme, I would win the gold. I am the Mo Farah of impatience.  It is probably why Allah is testing me through my daughter. Although, I sometimes find this situation quite frustrating , day after day,  I am witnessing my daughter’s progress. Indeed, three years ago, my daughter could speak only 5 words and the rest was echolalia. My daughter couldn’t button or zip. My daughter couldn’t hold a pen. My daughter couldn’t play with other children without hitting  or snatching toys from them etc… These are miracles from Allah. These are gifts from Allah to me. So when you feel down, write down on a paper your child’s achievements and it will keep you going.

The other main issue for me could be people around me, relatives, friends, professionals and complete  strangers. I don’t need  people to feel sorry for us and tell things like ” Bless her” because as my dear Temple Grandin says: ” different but not less”.                                                                                                                                    This is also upsetting when you meet people who think that non-verbal people and autistic individuals don’t have a personality, don’t have feelings and can’t be hurt by nasty comments. Autistics are not veggies. These people will treat pets with more respect than autistic folk. Sadly,this is the 21st century.

But more importantly,  I would like  you guys not to give up hope on your child potential. Don’t stick to what the specialists are saying about what your child would be able to achieve or not. They don’t know the  Unseen and neither do you. Make a lot of duaas for your child.Remember that Allah wa ta ala, answers the duaas that parents do for their children .

Diagnosis, from darkness to light

It was in Winter 2010, on a cold and foggy day. Do you remember this winter in the UK? it had snowed at Christmas holiday.
My daughter was 3 at that time and previously in Summer 2009, she had been diagnosed with ADD and development delay. I was then convinced that ” she was just slightly delayed, she would catch up eventually”. Therefore, I was shoked when the paeditrician at the Special Educational Needs Clinic diagnosed my daughter with Autism. I didn’t say anything but it was going crazy in my little head: “she can’t be autistic!!!”
Even though I hardly knew what Autism was. My knowledge was limited and for me Autism meant she was not normal. “My daughter iiiiis normal, she is just a bit delayed! She can’t speak, she is limited to few words and that the reason why she is aggressive at times!”
We walked back home . I was quiet. If you know me personally, you will know that me not being chatty, is bizarre…
Once home, I played a DVD for my daugter and headed to my room. I then started my grievance. “I can’t believe my daughter will never be able to go to the Madrassa, have friends, get married, have children. And if I die, who’s gonna look after her? My youngest sister is not mature enough, the other one is too materialistic and this will be a big deal for her, my parents are too old!”
I am crying and crying. The followings days, I am not crying anymore but I am angry at my fate, Astaghfirullah! “Why me? Why her? Why can’t she just talk? Why can’t she be like us?” I have to confess, this period lasted a few months.
Now I am fine Alhamdulillah! If Allah gave me that child, Alhamdulillah, he knew what he was doing and I don’t!He knew that I will be strong enough to face the challenges on our road. But to be honest with you, sometimes, I am feeling a bit down and for a couple of seconds, I don’t want to be tested, Astaghfirullah (Again)! To erase this bad thought out of my mind, I remember myself that being strong will take me to Jannah inshAllah!
Children with disabilties are very close to Allah Wa ta Ala as many of them don’t have the capacity to do any wrong and therefore will not be accountable.
Now Brothers and Sisters, your grieving time is over and it’s time for happiness and sabr, sabr, sabr, InshAllah!!!

Special tips: When you’re feeling low, recite Al Ikhlas, Falaaq and Naas.